submissive........slave.......or just me?

autumn_sage59 @ 2007-11-29T20:22:00

2007-11-30T01:48:09Z

A new experience coming up for this girl. Next week this one will meet with a Dom and play. one met His former slave, and has met Him. one feels very comfortable with Him - more so than with any other one has met, with exception of former Master and current Training Master.

We will meet at a hotel - He will get the room and one will meet Him there. one is bringing water, sodas, some fruit, and her toys. He is bringing His toys and the condoms.

Sounds kind of clinical, doesn't it? LOL

Well, maybe it is. It is not emotional, that is for sure. one wishes to have a new experience, and thinks it would be good for her to play with someone - it has been a long, long time.

He has agreed to start slow and work up - as girl has not played with anyone or been with anyone in a long time - and needs to start slow for comfort level. one will submit to Him for the play session, but will not be submitting to Him at other times - as He does not own this girl. one is in control of this play session, in control of this situation - and one has kept it that way. There will be no orgasm control - one will cum at will; and only safe sex. If one doesn't like what is happening or how it is going one can walk.......He can restrain this girl but not to where one can not get away. one does not know Him well enough for that yet.

one's Training Master already knows this man's phone number, what He drives, and will know the name of the hotel and the room #. one will have to call Him at a designated time or He will be looking for this girl - and that would not be pretty for any involved. But one is not worried about safety or one would not be going - but still, we have to be smart.

one is also going to a local munch - about 30 min away - was going to go on Monday but woke with a terrible headache - and the weather was rainy and foggy - so will go to a different one. The nice thing is it is held at all different times of the day, on different days - that is wonderful - makes it hard when it is always on one specific day at one time - limits those that can attend. one has been in contact with several that go - and looks forward to meeting some of them in real time. one can tell that some of them are fairly new or inexperienced - but we all start somewhere, and though one has more training, they may have more experience in some other areas. one is hoping to make some new friends - maybe even a female friend that one can 'play' with {WEG}!

There is a Dominant that one met online that lives local, He is unable to drive due to vision problems but would really like to go to a munch or play party - so one will probably pick Him up and take Him - it is out of the way, but in NC almost everything is a pretty drive, and one does not mind driving at all - and would appreciate someone giving this girl a ride if she needed one.

Now for the other news - went to the surgeon today for a follow-up - and he was very happy with the surgical results - said far better than he had hoped. That was the good news. Then......one showed him a spot on one's tongue - a painful spot on the side that has been worrying this one for some time - but when it doesn't hurt one forgets about it. Well, it has been hurting so one wrote a note to self to ask him about it. He was not impressed - asked if one had ever smoked or used tobacco products - one has not, but have always lived around smokers. So we will be going to the surgical center in the next month to remove it and have it biopsied. Please keep your fingers crossed, say prayers, send positive energy - whatever it is that you believe in, please. And one has decided not to tell anyone other than her friend Lori about it - and told her today. No sense in worrying daughter, and no, am not going to tell Trainers either. This is something one struggles with as it is an absolute that a girl tells her Master everything and lets Him decide what to do with the information. It is not a girl's place to decide what to tell. That being said, Training Master has had a lot on His plate lately, and again, there is no sense worrying Him. one will have the procedure done and wait for the bioopy results and then tell everyone.

25 days till one flies back home for Christmas - grandsons are counting the days, and daughter is ready for one to be there now. one is ready also - am going to start spending more time back there every three months - 9 days every 3 months instead of 3 1/2 days every 3 months - that will make it so much easier to live away. Will have more time with family and friends, yet be able to live where one is happier.

And yeah!!!!! Am getting own apartment in January - will be so glad to live alone alone alone! LOL - have found some cheap, nice apartments - rent is extremely reasonable here. But one thinks she will pay a bit more and get an apartment that has a fitness center - as getting in shape and getting some of this weight off is a priority. one needs it for her health - it is not a vanity issue. Health, and was informed if one did not get her health back in order that He will use a whip to peel the hide off of this girl's back - and Lord knows He can do it and do it well..........that is not somewhere this girl wants to go. This girl would much rather feel her beloved whip for pleasure -

Well, off to heat up the baked cabbage and the baked pork chops one cooked - see! one is doing better - not even driving through Taco Bell tonight!

sighs..............one will be telling Training Master about the minor surgery and biopsy - though one hates to worry Him, REALLY hates to worry Him, it is not this girl's choice as to what one tells Him. As much as one hates to have to say anything.........the choice is not one's to make.

Good night all - going to watch 'Kathy Griffin Goes To Hell' and eat one's healthy dinner!

New Experiences............

2007-11-14T04:01:13Z

Today this girl met a Dominant for lunch. one had met His former slave previously, as she was looking for another girl to play with. We did not get the chance to play before she left the lifestyle - one will not go into that as that is really irrelevant.

Anyway, this Dom contacted this girl, and after chatting a few times online we decided to have lunch together. This one has met a few for breakfast or lunch, but has not ever gone any further - not played with any of them. Part of this was this girl's fear of playing with strangers; part of it was this girl's fear of losing control and getting in a bad situation; and part of it was that this one had not met anyone she really was interested in playing with.

This Man is definitely a Dom, and yes, one believes a Master. Now........one knows not all Masters are alike - and this one compares all of them to one's Training Master, and those are some big shoes to fill. He is, to put it mildly, awesome.

So.........we went to lunch - and had a great visit - talked about many things outside of the lifestyle, and many things in the lifestyle. After sitting in the restaurant for a couple of hours, we moved to His car - where we could have privacy to talk freely - lol some things are just not meant for the ears of the general public.

He pulled out a crop in the car - one that extends - lol He slapped it against His leg and this girl came on the spot from just the sound of it!

It was kind of strange - He wanted to have control, but He does not own thi girl - the control is this girl's at this point. one does not take orders, nor does one do anything one does not wish to do. Now one is not being bratty, definitely not a SAM, but one has a mind, one is in control of herself until she has a Master. The only ones that can give this girl orders are her Trainers.

This is the first time this girl was able to be in this situation and remain in control of herself, and of the situation, at all times. He was certain He could get this girl to a hotel room if He really wanted to - but there is no way He could have. That is not something this one was ready for, not something that crossed this girl's mind. Today was to have a face to face meeting, to get to know each other, to see if one felt comfortable around Him - as it takes a face to face meeting to get a 'gut' feeling. Well, the gut feeling was good - and a play date will be set in the near future. one now knows one can 'submit' to a Dom in a role-playing situation, for a specified period of time, without serving them. That is a good thing to know. one can now have some new experiences, something one has been wanting, without it being so traumatic. smiles, maybe one can now just relax and enjoy them for what they are.

one's life is changing, improving, one is maturing as a slave, as a person. Life is good.

autumn_sage59 @ 2007-11-08T15:26:00

2007-11-08T20:39:42Z

Went to doctor for post-op visit today - the good news is both of us are happy with the results; the bad news is one may have stay on prednisone long term - what a horrible drug!
But anyway........

They put scopes up one's nose, and will not get into gory details but it was pretty gross. one was able to lay still and not move - one used the lessons she has learned to tolerate pain, to relax and meditate, and was able to remain relaxed. Here they were doing their thing, and this girl was laying there thinking 'oh if they only knew how much more this girl could take' - LOL

one loves situations where one can rely on what one has been taught, what one has spent so much time practicing. Four years ago one did not see how living the life of a slave, and living vanilla, coincided.

one read a profile on collarme today - from a submissive in her early 30's. She was saying how so many respond to her and say she is not submissive, nor a slave, because her profile is too 'aggressive'. one did not find it aggressive at all. She appears to be a strong, independent, confidant woman that knows what she wants. Will this keep her from being able to serve? Heck no, just the opposite. She just will not compromise herself to satisfy the egos of so many that are out there. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the right person - and she will know Him when she finds Him. one wished her the best........

one has been missing a 'home' environment lately. The other night one came home after dark; and the lights on in the windows of the houses, seeing people through the windows going about their day to day lives, made this one kind of sad. one is lonely for family as it will be 4 months between these visits due to this surgery; and that contributes; but it is the not having someone to come home to that is the worst. one did not sink down into the pity party she has in the past............smiles, but that does not mean that one does not want someone to come home to. one is so ready for that.

OK - off to walk the roomie's dogs!!! one is still living with vanilla, straight roomie - hopefully for no more than another couple of months before getting into own place. one can afford to get into a place, but needs to be able to furnish it. one did not want to get in over her head financially in case one had to be off for a longer period of time after surgery. Now one will start working 2nd job and get bills paid off so they are not hanging over head for years. Isn't it amazing - you end up owing a hospital, and 2-3 doctors, and even sending them all $150-$200 per month takes years to pay them off.

oh - but one forgot! Duh! one bought the winning Virginia lottery ticket yesterday - so why worry?

Laughs - take care -

grrrrrrrr

2007-05-01T23:33:21Z

OK,how fucked up is this?

I started a new job and my insurance started after 30 days - so starts today, May 1st. But it takes a week or so to get the insurance cards.......

Now - a couple of weeks ago I had pneumonia - and with insurance not effective yet, paid $210 for the doctor visit/breathing treatments, and luckily the prescription wasn't THAT bad, around $45. The worst part though, was that as I just started my new job - and hadn't earned paid time off yet, I had to take the 4 days without pay - so let's just say that money is extremely tight.

Well.......I needed a refill of my prescription before then, so went to WalMart to get just a few pills to last till Friday when I get paid, and can pick up the rest of my prescription. Before they have just given me the 3-4 pills, then when I picked up the rest of the prescription they would give me the remainder and charge me for the full prescription - I have only had to do that once before, but it was sure a help.

Well, they don't do that anymore.

Not only do they not do that, my 30 day prescription is $112, which is $3.73 per pill. And since I could not pay for the entire prescription - I was charged $8.00 per pill - so I could only afford 2 pills which still leaves me a day short.

I am so pissed I can not se straight. Now I know it is almost as much work for the pharmacist to fill a prescription for 2 pills as it is for 30 - BUT the damn pharmacy is not going to go belly up because they 1) either gave me a few pills to tide me over till I picked up the remainder; or 2) charged me the $3.73 per pill that a full prescription costs.

This is not just any old prescription - it is for my Effexor XR, which I take for depression. Two year ago my other med quit working - and it was hell. The Effexor XR is not perfect but by God I can function. And Effexor is NOT a med that a person can quit taking cold turkey - that is not a pretty sight. Neither is it pretty if I don't have it - I will leave it at that.

So tomorrow I will call the insurance company and get my information as I don't have my cards yet, and will call the pharmacy I am allowed to use and have them call WalMart and get my prescription transferred over - hopefully this will work and I can pick up a month's worth on Friday, which is payday. The insurance company says they won't pay for Effexor XR unless it is proven the patient tried other meds first - but from what I have read I have been on it long enough that I am grandfathered in and they won't make me change it. I totally do not believe in insurance companies making doctors fuck with patients' meds - especially mental health meds - that is nothing to mess with.

So, am going to have a cup of tea, calm down, and then fix something for supper.

20/20 April 27, 2007

2007-04-28T03:10:16Z

Did any of you see the 20/20 episode tonight? It featured Barbara Walters interviewing transgendered children and their parents. A transgendered person is a person whose insides don't match their outsides - a person in a male body is truly a female in all other ways except for the physical characteristics, vice versa.

one knows a few people that were born this way and it has been a very difficult life for them. Instead of having the surgeries they have chosen to live as a gay person - but they truly do not have the body that matches their mind, their heart, their soul.

Most of the children interviewed have known since they were toddlers that they were not a 'boy' or 'girl'; that they were the opposite of what everyone thought they were.

This program was so tastefully done, so educational. Let's hope that it opened the mind of at least one person watching - and if more than one person is able to open their hearts and minds to these very special people then that is a bonus.

If you missed it, you missed an awesome program.

lol and no one is not being paid by 20/20 or Barbara Walters.

Too young to die; and rude Dom

2007-04-19T01:35:27Z

one's daughter is 28. Her best friend since age 15 died last night. She was 28 with a boy that will be 7 in July. She found out 19 months ago that she had very aggressive breast cancer - by the time she felt a lump it had already spread through her system; and she was terminal. They did what they could but there was nothing to do - nothing that would work.

She has been at home with her parents caring for her, along with hospice. one's daughter is devastated - even though she did not want M to be in pain any longer, all she can think about is that little boy without a mom. Her oldest was born 4 days before M's boy - so it hits very close to home for daughter. This is definitely a time one wished one did not live across country - there was nothing one wanted more today than to be able to wrap arms around daughter and comfort her.

sighs, ok next subject...........

The Dom one has been talking to came here today. We went to breakfast, then came to the house. We thought about watching a movie but one had to be on the phone a bit with daughter; then we were both tired so laid down on bed and took a nap. lol of course He wanted some sexual activity but other than kissing and light petting one was not going to do anything.

Then we woke up, visited for a while - then went to dinner. Things had gone ok till this time, though one just isn't sure about this Dom. He teases about His sadistic side - but gets this look in His eyes and tone to His voice - it kind of unnerves this girl. Anyway, we went to dinner. He was so RUDE to this waiter - the waiter was the nicest kid that you could imagine - so clean and well dressed and well mannered; he did nothing to make this Dom be rude to him. one was livid and mortified. There is absolutely no reason to be rude to someone if they are not rude to you first - and sometimes not even then. This kid did not even know what to do - partly because we were in a Mexican restaurant and the waiter's English was limited; and also it was so unexpected. The people in the other booths were turning around looking - one was glaring at this Dom trying to get her point across - finally, are you ready for this?

one KICKED Him. Yeppers. Yepadoodle. Found His leg under the table and kicked Him hard. He yelped and looked at this girl and finished talking to the waiter - then said 'you kicked me'. one said 'yep, i did'. He said 'why'? one said 'because You were being so rude to that waiter'. He tried to defend Himself a bit then said 'who cares'? one told Him she did not like to be around rude people. He was quiet a minute, then said 'this really bothers you, doesn't it'? one said 'yes'. He called the waiter over and apologized and then had a decent conversation with Him. But what bothered this girl besides the fact that He was rude to start with, was the fact that He would not have apologized if one had not been so upset. one was ready to just leave. So the tone of the day changed after that.

Then...............one was bringing a 'doggie bag' home; and He told this one to not forget the box, and that one needed to carry it because that is what slaves do. That He would not carry it for this one.

OK, if one is Owned and her Master wants her to carry something then that is fine. BUT one has seen her Training Master carry many things for His slave, including His dirty dishes from the dining room to the kitchen.

If a slave carries things does that make her more of a slave?

If a Master carries things does that make Him less of a Master?

No. one is a slave and it does not matter if one carries things, if He carries things, if one clears the table of if He clears the table. one is a slave deep inside, and these little things do not change that.

If He is worried carrying one's leftover dinner makes Him less of a Dominant, then that is His issue to deal with, not this one's.

Protocols, routines, etc are all fine and dandy. But if they are not always followed it does not make either person more or less of what and who they are.

This Dom is not a bad man, not a bad person. But He is a Dom, not a Master.

And this girl needs a Master.

He's OK

2007-04-16T19:06:33Z

Master James is OK, thank God. one just talked to Him and His voice was the best sound this girl has heard in a long, long time.

Please say a prayer for the students, faculty, and families of this university.

BLACKSBURG, Va. - A gunman opened fire in a Virginia Tech dorm and then, two hours later, in a classroom across campus Monday, killing at least 30 people in the deadliest shooting rampage in U.S. history, government officials told The Associated Press. The gunman was killed, bringing the death toll to 31.

Horrified

2007-04-16T17:38:30Z

BLACKSBURG, Va. - A gunman opened fire in a dorm and classroom at Virginia Tech on Monday, killing 21 people in the deadliest campus shooting in U.S. history. The gunman was killed but it was unclear if he was shot by police or took his own life.

oh my one thought it was Master James' (Training Master) school and panicked one could not get ahold of Him His phone just rang and rang and then finally quit ringing. one called His slave and it is not His school His is down the road, and she had not heard from Him but if it is not His school He must be ok physically. He knows everyone in that area and so is probably helping - He used to be a police officer and is a counselor and is probably helping someone because that is how He is.

But He is in big trouble for not calling and letting His slave know He was ok so that we both could know He was fine, or call His mom and tell her He was ok and have her call us. one knows He is helping others but He has to let people know He is ok and yes that is selfish. And He probably can't gt through on the phone because the lines are clogged and th poor families trying to get information about their loved ones but don't they know He is Master and they should let His call get through?

what a terrible day

Finding out about His sadistic streak

2007-04-16T14:13:25Z

LOL, well this morning one woke Him up with a phone call. We were talking of things we were going to do when He gets home this week (still vanilla things as one will not have sex or play till one knows Him better - hopes one doesn't have to write in a few days and take those words back - lol).

Anyway, He has mentioned more than once that He has a sadistic side; that can come out in play or punishment. Now we have not even played yet, but there is something in His matter-of-fact voice that makes this one not doubt a bit that He does indeed have a sadistic streak.

one is not a masochist. one is not a pain slut. one is a whip whore - and that is where it ends. one loves the whip - do not care if it is a buggy whip, a bullwhip, a single tail, do not care. A whip is a whip is a whip. They all feel different but they are all divine.

When it comes to other things? one is kind of a wimp, especially if it comes to breast play.

He says He hates to punish, that He would be absolutely happy if He never had to punish ever. Now we know that can't happen, because as hard as one tries to be good, there is an evil twin inside that pops out and gets one in trouble then the bitch disappears, never sticking around long enough to face the consequences, but making this good girl take them.

one had told Him this morning that one was a bit crybaby - and one is. one suppressed emotions for probably 45 years and will be damned if one will ever do it again. The bad thing is there are all those years of suppressed emotions still coming out - but that is ok. Well, today in a general discussion about what we want/don't want; like/don't like; the subject came up again about punishment. And He again said He would be perfectly happy if this did not ever have to occur - and then mentioned the 's' word again. He said, you know, my sadistic streak might come out during that time, and you say you cry a lot, oh boy - you will see tears. And He said that so matter of fact. Like oh well who cares, cry me a river baby. And what was my response? to be afraid, to want to hang up, to question this man? No, my response was to get so absolutely turned on and soaking wet - damn traitorous (is that a word?) pussy.

Well, one is obviously feeling better - am famished and horny - grinz!

Am off to clean this house, so paperwork needed for benefits at work, and have a nap since one stayed up reading till 4:25 a.m.!

Have a great day.................

autumn_sage59 @ 2007-04-13T23:19:00

2007-04-14T04:09:47Z

ok. one has been on here a few months, and you can count the posts one has written on probably one hand. As much as one enjoys reading others journals, one is afraid to write her own. It is not so much the fact of what others will think - it is the fact that if one puts it down in black and white then one has to acknowledge it, and can not keep it hidden away.

And that is exactly what one needs, to have to acknowledge her thoughts, her feelings, her issues. This will probably be long, rambling, so if you plan on reading it you might want to pack a lunch.

one has met a Dominant - He contacted this one on collarme, then we moved to YIM, then phone. We have gone to breakfast, and will spend more time together next week when He is back in town. He drives truck for now; and so we have not been able to spend more real time together other than the breakfast. But that is ok. one enjoys our phone chats, and does not mind the distance for now. Why? because one is afraid to move too fast, one is afraid He will want to touch this one, one is afraid that He will want to play, etc. Isn't that the normal progression? But it is scary, one reacts very strongly to His presence. After breakfast we left the restaurant and sat in one's car and visited for a long time. As soon as we got into the car He turned sideways in the seat so that He could see one while we talked - and...........one had the most awesome orgasm. He did not touch this one, He did not say anything, there were no expectations. But for some reason this one reacted so strongly - it took one by surprise - yes it was pleasant but oh boy.

one was not ashamed, one was not embarrassed, just surprised. one is a slave, and has been taught to allow self to respond naturally. And one did. What is it about this man that such a reaction occurred?

We obviously enjoyed our online chats to move further; and we talked and talked and laughed at breakfast, the same as we have done during our phone calls.

He calls a few times each day, and one can call Him at any time. one is sick with pneumonia, He called early Thurs morning as He wanted to make sure one had remembered to call in to work. Last night one was going to go to WalMart as one had forgotten to get bottled water, and the water here is not drinkable, and He did not like the fact at all that one was going late at night by herself. So one agreed to go today when it was light outside. No, He is not giving one orders, He does not have that right - but.......one did go to the store today.

one has not talked to Training Master about Him yet, for a couple of reasons. First let one make something clear - one is free to talk to anyone, including Dominants, and go to dinner, the movie, etc. with them. Now......if one is to have one of them to one's home, without playing, that is getting into the gray area. one has to know them very well and feel completely safe with them. If one let a Dominant into one's home that one had only known a couple of weeks - there would be hell to pay. But one would not do that. So.........one has not told Training Master of some of the Doms that one has talked to or met till after the fact because honestly, usually there is not more than one meeting and a coupl of conversations. If one does not feel the 'click', if they do nto have what one is looking for, then there is no reason to continue other than as friends. And as one Dom pointed out, He has enough friends that He already doesn't have time enough to see.

Another reason - one struggles with the fact that this Dom, along with all other Doms, are not Master James. He is amazing. He is amazing because that is His personality, He is amazing because He is a people person, He is amazing because of His training. It would be a miracle to ever be able to find a Master that had that same training - oh how nice it would be - one can not begin to explain the differences between a Trained Master and a Master that has not had this training. It is not that other Masters can not be good Masters, maybe even better Masters in some areas. But.........they do not know some of the things that have been passed down through time, through generations, that are only passed from one Trained Master to a Master that is being trained. Some people think this is bologna - it is not. one has seen it for herself time and time again.

So......here goes. one is afraid to leave the security of her Training Master. yes there have been problems but He is there. He is big and strong and there is nothing like having His arms wrap themselves around this girl in a hug. When He hugs you, you have been hugged. Everything is ok, you know that you are safe. one loves Him, it is not a romantic love - one does not get gaga over Him or all giddy - it is a love that grew out of Him training this girl, a love for a Master that has helped this one in so many, many ways.

one feels like she is being disloyal - He has invested so much time and energy into this girl. But He has a slave, and they love each other so very much, it makes one smile to see them look at each other or talk about each other - their eyes light up, a smile comes to their face, their voice changes. They are truly in love. And He is her Master, she His slave. Is there room for another in their lives? Maybe, but one doesn't know if she wants to settle for that if it did or could occur. one wishes to be the one that lights up His eyes, one wants to have a Master to go places with, that one can show affection to in public, that she can cuddle up with and be the world to Him. Maybe that can happen in poly, maybe not, part of it depends on the poly family. But there are always difficulties, holidays, birthdays, vanilla public events. Maybe it is that one has been alone for so long that one just wants to be the focus without having to share.

He will be back for a few days next week, and is talking about looking for a job locally so that He does not drive truck any longer, He does not wish to be away from home like that. one is afraid of next week, looks very forward to seeing Him, talking to Him, going to dinner. But one thinks, no knows, that He is wanting more physically - and that is where one drags her feet. Even though one is so attracted to Him and reacts so strongly, one does not wish for it to get physical too quickly. That changes things. one is not ready to move that quickly.

one is looking for red flags, one is looking for reasons this can't work. one is afraid. We seem so very compatible in so many, many ways. one will not know if He can actually Master this girl till we spend time together, but one believes that He can. He is fun, He is easy going, but......there is no doubt that He will be in charge of His relationship, whether it is with this girl or someone else.

It is easier to stay in one's safe little alone world. It is easier, it is safer. But one's own little world is lonely, it is not fun, it is not fulfilling, it does not allow one to serve as one is meant to serve.

So one will continue to get to know Him, one will discuss Him with her Training Master and His slave. What is meant to happen will happen. one will still take her time, will not rush into anything, and not make decisions based on emotions. The decision to become Owned is way too serious to base on emotion. A slave can find a person she loves dearly but that does not mean they can Master her - it is most important to have a good Master.

He has no doubt that we are a good match. That also scares this one. How can He know that so fast? Is it wishful thinking? Does He see something in this girl to use her for like so many have done in the past?

Well, that is the journal. one will keep talking to Him, get to know Him better, not allow self to be rushed. one will not run without reason - and being afraid is not a reason.

Top 10...........

2007-04-12T22:34:45Z

Top 10 Things to do When Home with Pneumonia:

10. Sleep

9. Take lots of medicine

8. Get up and turn on heat, get up and turn on air conditioner, heat/air/heat/air - you get the idea

7. Watch TV shows one didn't even know existed

6. Call bank and get new ID and password for online banking as have kept putting that
off - is not pretty when one does not keep track of balance in account

5. Check Live Journal every 30 minutes hoping there is a new post. Resort to reading and making comments on collarme forums.

4. Paint toenails and fingernails

3. Drink tons of fluids, eliminate tons of fluids, rinse and repeat

2. Make ‘Cook and Serve’ chocolate pudding - so much better than instant or store bought.

And the #1 Thing to do When Home With Pneumonia:

1. Eat all the pudding - lol

grrrrr............cheap toys

2007-03-19T22:18:53Z

Can anyone tell this girl where she could purchase some quality vibrators/dildos? This one thinks she chooses carefully, but they end up not working shortly after one buys them - lol and that is definitely not from overuse. Hell they don't last long enough to get overused.

one would appreciate any the names of any websites or stores.

Thank you, shoppers!

Is NOT Fair...........

2007-01-22T01:22:52Z

My daughter's best friend is 27. Maybe she will be 28 later this month. Maybe she won't.

She has terminal breast cancer. There is no hope, and we have known this for a long time. She is hanging on, only she knows the reason, or maybe she doesn't - maybe it is just that her heart is too damn strong for her very sick pain-wracked body.

She was full of life - full of vim and vinegar and could be so funny and the biggest bitch there was and had a huge heart and lots of love.

She is living with her parents, who are watching her die before their eyes, their daughter who is so beautiful inside and out.

Her 6 year old son is losing his mom - he does not deserve that. He does not deserve to see her die, to hear her cry and scream in pain. He deserves a hell of a lot more than that. Let's hope that he has the most amazing life ahead of him because he sure is getting the shit end of the stick right now.

And my heart goes out to her parents and my mind says how lucky i am that it is not my daughter and i feel guilty but i am so very very glad that it isn't my daughter.

So whatever your beliefs, please say a prayer or send energies or whatever it is that you can offer so that this beautiful young woman can have some pain free time before she dies. And don't forget to hug your kids and tell them you love them.

Michelle, we love you so much and are going to miss you more than you know.

Sir's visit

2007-01-16T05:11:02Z

Home today with the flu - will be home again tomorrow with it. Am better than i was this weekend, but not that much better.

This weekend a good friend, Sir, came down to visit. one has been online friends of Him and His slave for quite some time now. It was so nice to meet Him in person, and He brought one a printed version of stories He had written - we did not get a chance to get them bound as one was sick, but one is going to take them in and have that done. one has started reading them - He is a very good author.

smiles, He and His slave missed each other very much when He was here - they are not able to live together yet, but spend hours together on the phone. He did not wish to be rude to this one, so was not on the phone much while He was here. one felt bad because we could not go and do much as one had the flu, so we were stuck in the house pretty much. We tried to watch The Illusionist several times - or one should say that He watched it, one tried. one could not stay awake even though it was a good movie.

one certainly did realize something - one has lived alone and been independent for long enough that it will definitely be a change when one has a Master again. Laughs - and this was an easy weekend as one was not serving. He was a guest in one's home, and all one did was make coffee and toast and offer an occasional soda - so it was not demanding at all as it would be with a Master. one will be in for a major lifestyle change when one has to maintain self again to a Master's standards (yeah yeah yeah, know the spiel about how one should maintain self to that standard all of the time yada yada yada - lol but one is too lazy, ok?). Whaddya mean You want one to shave every day? snickers..........

And hate long hair - just absolutely hate it. It is hot, it gets tangled, all i do is pull it back or up, and i am too damn old (48 last Sat thank you very much) to have long hair. So..........i am going to get it cut back short. Now i know when i find a Master that i might have to let my hair grow out again (unless i am lucky enough to find the 1 in two million Masters that like short hair). But until then? yee haw - short it is.........

Have not really made New Year's resolutions as one thinks that is kind of setting self up for failure; but do believe we can reflect on the past year and make some changes. one revised one's budget, and that made one feel good to get that done. The other is one's health - will call dentist tomorrow - need one or two teeth pulled. one for sure, the second? know they are going to try and talk one into getting a crown - grrrrrr. May do that on one tooth but the other is getting pulled, no dicussion. Then one will get new glasses as one has not been able to see decently; and go to reg doctor to get meds as blood sugars are too high. They were fine when one lost 70 pounds, but those damn pounds found their way back home, so now need meds again till one can chase them back off. Last, get the old nasal polyps removed and i will be a new woman! Watch out world....................

oh yeah, and tomorrow will get license plates for this state - moved here a few months ago - and had it in one's mind that plates expired in January. OOPS they expired in November - so tomorrow will go to get state driver's license and then license plates. yeah yeah i know - that is all supposed to be done within like 10 days of moving to a new state - but does anybody ever really follow that law? please pray for me that i don't get picked up on the way to get driver's license or license plates - that would be just the luck..............

ok - am logging off now and going to bed. i am nauseated as heck - probably from drinking too much water. i drink about 10 bottles of water a day - and have not drank water for 3 days, then today have had 2 bottles. Am dying of thirst, but hate puking worse than thirst so am trying to hold back.

g'night all.........

autumn_sage59 @ 2006-11-12T22:05:00

2006-11-14T02:05:35Z

Opened a bank account today; then went to the clinic. Sighs - urine did not have blood in it which is a sign of kidney stones; so i may have them, may not. Will just continue to monitor for now.

Wasn't going to get anything for sinus infection but i kind of whined - ok i really whined - and so they gave me samples of a new antibiotic; strongest thing they could give me for a sinus infection. They will also do my referral to an ear/nose/throat specialist in December when insurance kicks in.

Back to work tomorrow - work three day shifts and then Fri evening; then the weekend off. i do love my schedule; that is a definite plus about this job.

Well, will watch Two and a Half Men - think that show is hilarious; then go to sleep.

g'night all.........

hello from the lost......

2006-11-13T07:11:26Z

ok - here is the scoop........

have chronic sinus infection because i don't have insurance and so can't go get polyps removed till after Dec 1st - and need more antibiotics.

More than likely have right sided kidney stones - oh yeah.......

and am rather a bitch - was out of anti-depressant for 3 days because of having no money - well have them now and thank God - that will save some lives!

Went to open a bank account Saturday, because i slept till 4:30 pm on Friday after working 59 hours in the 4 days before that. They gave me a bad time because my driver's license was out of state - duh, yes, recently moved here - and then the payroll check was written out of corporate office which is out of state so that was a 7 day hold. Told them to just forget it and left in tears - thankfully making it to car before i totally lost it.

So........no money = no doctor = no antibiotics. Thankfully Wal-Mart Pharmacy was nice enough to give me 4 anti-depressants to last till i can get refill on Monday - they deserve a humanitarian award for saving the lives of anyone that crossed my path and pissed me off - which is everyone when i run out of anti-depressants.

Whenever anyone is having a mental health problem the professionals always ask if they are suicidal. SUICIDAL??? Hell no - i am not going to hurt myself - but i am usually one homicidal bitch.....

Anyway, i have Effexor and it is ok now.

So tomorrow i took off of work and will go to the bank and open an account, get some money, and get to the doctor. I feel like crap - and didn't realize i looked like crap till my Training Master was so kind tonight to tell me how puffy my face was - whether it is from sinus infection or something from kidneys i have no idea, but i feel like a stuffed sausage that has rubberbands on it to identify appendages...........for goodness sakes even my toes feel swollen up - that is the only place i really notice it. But no...............others notice it in my face! sticks tongue out and hopes people can see it in my big old pumpkin face!

It is sooooooooooooooooooo time for this one to have a man in one's life - if not a Master, at least a Dominant that one can spend some time with. one misses that companionship; misses the sex; the dominance and submission; the bondage and discipline; and yes the sadism and well, one is not a masochist but does miss the pain, the torture, the wonderful release that it brings............

Sweet dreams.

needy

2006-11-13T06:41:39Z

What this one wants:

To have someone look at me the way one's Training Master looks at His slave - the way His eyes light up, the way He smiles and doesn't even know He is smiling but He is. The absolute love that they both have for each other - that shows on their faces every second of every minute they are together, and every time they even mention or think of each other when they are apart.

To have my Master the last thing I see at night before i go to sleep and the first thing i see when i wake up in the morning.

To be whipped whipped and whipped some more - God does this bitch love the whip -

To be able to live with and serve my Master every single day. To wait on Him, to be there for His every need and want, to hopefully be a good enough slave that He reaches out and touches me and says 'good girl'. oh, what i would do for that...............

To be used in so many ways.............in every imaginable way.............

To be put in my place when i lose the way..................

oh, to be in a cage - have never been in a cage but wouldn't that be divine? A closet would do - to be locked away, unable to get out, safe, secure, alone but never knowing when that would end..............to sleep there, or spend a day there - oh that just sounds so damn glorious!

To be put through even more paces in order to become a better slave - to show that yes one is obedient, yes one will do anything even if one hates it or is embarrassed by it or humiliated by it - but to know that i did it; i did it because i was told to do it - because it pleased my Trainers.

To serve, to serve, to serve - there is nothing like that.............

and by the way, did i mention the whip?

where is the glorious pain?????

2006-10-23T03:48:59Z

Today was a good day, got up late as had gotten to bed so late last night (this morning); went to store, talked to friends; got things ready for work tomorrow; cooked very healthy with enough left for next couple of days.

Then this evening it hit - the overwhelming craving to be flogged, to be whipped, to feel such pain - pain that makes one scream, that makes one beg, that wonderful glorious pain that makes one so deliriously happy, content. No, one is not a masochist - not by any stretch of the imagination - but one would go next door and grab whoever lives there if one thought they had a flogger or better yet a singletail or bullwhip. one would go next door and beg them to whip this girl, and whip her and whip her and whip her - oh my...................the release that only comes from that - that is such a different release than any other. The emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, sexual release that comes from being whipped....

one was already starting to feel that way, when one came across one of kaya's posts, and would put the link here but one does not know how. It was a very old post of hers - oh my, what a wonderful post it was, her Master taking such control of her, her surrendering to Him. That made the need so much stronger.

one will go to bed, and use imagery? do not know if that is the correct term, but where one can picture herself being hung and whipped, try and put self in the mindset of where one can actually feel each lash of the whip - have been there before, but not be self. LOL otherwise one will be going to work extremely frustrated tomorrow!

g'night, sweet wicked, wicked dreams............

such a good day

2006-10-22T07:01:20Z

Was a good day- just hung out, napped, watched TV, read, talked to friends. Then this evening went out with Trainers - it was the best evening ever - smiles, a vanilla evening - but so very wonderful. It felt so comfortable - maybe things are turning a corner? Anyway, i am not driving myself crazy worrying myself to death right now - with a job and a paycheck coming in that took a bit weight off this one's shoulders - and things going well with Trainers. Was a wonderful evening.........the only thing that would make it better is if one had some chocolate chip cookie dough in the frig - grins...........

reactions -

2006-10-21T02:58:30Z

Today first day of work - orientation - new hire paperwork. So good to be working again - found out when pay periods were and paydays, and came home and updated budget for rest of year and partially through 2007. one does budget on a spreadsheet - works so well - all bills scheduled out, then can see if maybe one payday have more money than another and kind of even them out. Used to get so frustrated when every other payday would have $300 left and the opposite paydays would have $40. So.....evened the payments out and now one knows exactly what to expect. The sad thing is the next 3-4 months will be very tough with getting caught up from being off of work and paying loans back, but that time will pass. I will try and work lots of extra hours and get through this crunch time.

Was reading others journals - for some reason one just started crying. What brought it on was the fact that one is going to be playing with a Dominant in the near future - one that is chosen for her, that is totally safe. That is a load off of one's mind because one would rather have one chosen for her than pick one by self. Anyway, it just got scary - because one doesn't know the rules - what is allowed, what is not allowed, how one is supposed to act. The first time will be with Trainers - thank God, and that will make things a lot easier. But one has a hundred questions before spending time alone - geez, is one a worry wart? Do not think so - it is just some things are allowed and some are not and it seems every time one tries it one ends up not following the rules or using her head. But if He is not going to play mind games with this one then it will be OK - and what I mean by mind games is trying to get me to do things that He knows I am not supposed to do; that He will not try and get me to break Trainers rules and obey His just to see if He can get me to do it and have that power over me. I played with a Domme at a play party a few months ago - and didn't even realize the mind games she was playing. sighs.......that is not my job. That is why I am not in charge, why I am not in control. I know the blatant things - but am not good at mind games, have never been, and don't want to learn. I am a face value kind of person and expect others to be too - and it just pisses me off when people try and mess with me just to see if they can - and yes they can because I just don't think that 'friends' are supposed to do that to each other - but they do. I 'expect' a Dominant to follow the rules that are set - I do not expect them to try and see if they can get me to break them. Of course I will never play with this Domme again - and She likes to play with me cuz I like to do so many things and am so responsive - but that is her loss.

I know I am not going to be thrown into this, that it will be when the time is ready - but it has been a long time. Well, honestly? one has never really played with anyone other than one's former Master and one's Trainers. one has done a few scenes with a Dominant at a play party - but they were very mild, and one was very safe as there were so many others there and it was an extremely safe environment or one would not have been there or played. I was very promiscuous when young - but that was a long time ago. It is very difficult for me to interact with others - if it is just a flogging/whipping (says a prayer this Dominant knows how to use a singletail - grin grin); but if there is to be sex involved - yikes!!!! Well, have a simple solution to that. Will just ask Trainers what is all to be expected, and if there is sex to ever be involved then one wants it to be when they are there too - that way one feels comfortable. Trainer says that is because that way one doesn't have to take any responsibility. i don't know if that is it or not - i know it takes the decision making away from me because i am doing what i am told and glad to do it - but no, i don't want to have to make that decision. I have had a problem with that since being in the lifestyle - and do not know why. I will interact with any male/female that i am told to interact with and have the most wonderful time - but that is it, i want to be told to do it. I wouldn't feel like a slut if i made that choice on my own - so that is not it. OK, maybe it is just that i really don't like to have casual sex and enjoy it with my Master/Trainers - and am happy to do it with others if it pleases them. But I am not one to just go out and have it - maybe i have been there done that and am over it? I just don't know. I will talk more to Trainers about this again because I can't remember all what they said about it - but one is tired; it was a very short night and is getting late. It is time to watch my recorded soap from today and then get a good night's sleep as one will be going out tomorrow night - yeah!!!!!!!

I just wish everyone was 'what you see is what you get'.

Intro

2006-10-18T16:36:20Z

Well, here goes - finally have the courage to start writing in a livejournal. I look so forward to reading the journals of friends - hopefully other will look forward to reading mine. Please bear with me as I get started...........ciao